| all around me are familar faces |
[Nov. 27th, 2006|06:47 pm] |
josh and I haven't been together for over a month
things have been crazy.
I guess I can sum it up for you since I haven't written in this thing for over a month.
I hang out with a group of guys every night, we do crazy fun stuff that I never thought of doing
I've been camping, and to drinking festivals, I've jumped off buildings, been shocked with tasers, I've been fishing all weekend without bathing and seen how shots I can take in a row before I can't stand anymore, we've driven to other cities over night just to party there, I've been toying with drugs again
josh and I still talk...he feels like I'm throwing my life away but I think maybe I just found my life |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 18th, 2006|09:52 pm] |
things have been I don't know really what they have been.
I went out to dinner for a friends birthday, nice restraunt we all wore cocktail dresses and the guys dressed up. Josh started steriods a couple weeks ago...he was doing so good staying off drugs
dinner went well then we went downtown to a couple nice bars, you aren't supposed to drink on steriods, for obvious reasons
by the end of the night I was dancing on stages with all the girls we where with, having a great time
I started dancing with one of our friends and he yanks me off stage screaming at what a slut I am
I fought back refusing to be publicly humiliated, he spits on me and screams that if I talk back again he's going to back hand me...who know he could make me feel smaller than I already am
I ran out of the bar just to see him getting kicked out, a couple of us go off having fun for the rest of the night...cause on a Saturday night downtown its really easy to get lost
I haven't talked to him since...and my hearts aching. wondering if the steriods have him convinced that he's right and I'm wrong.
I know I should have given up a long time ago...then why haven't I? |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 1st, 2006|10:53 pm] |
I'm loosing faith once again. you know that feeling that you are going to do something stupid just to make the disappointment you feel about your life drift to something else for a moment.
I hate having that feeling that I need to talk to someone yet when it comes down to it picking up the phone...I'm left with no one to call. and don't say that I could always call "you" cause if I didn't call "you" then theres a reason.
why do I spread myself so thin? I make tons of friends who I keep around for short periods of time...then when it comes down to it and I need someone theres no one.
forget it. forget everything. god I'm so tired and pissed off.
maybe I just need to go pass out. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 1st, 2006|10:33 pm] |
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I wanna be where all the scars of the nevers and maybes die |
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| hoodie weather is almost here! |
[Sep. 29th, 2006|01:47 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | living room | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  calm | ] |
| [ | music |
| | sia - your my flame | ] |
I've been busy. I'm already into 15hours of overtime and still going. whats wrong with me?
oh I know...I like money...
hanging out with a new crew of boys, I adore them. I was chilling with them the other day and when I got up to leave three of them whined no...talk about an ego boost.
getting closer to Devan...things are fading with Josh. its a healthy fade though. we are slowly becoming friends again, which is all I think we ever really wanted anyways
hes working at Gold's Gym now and loving it, but I never get to see him since he has to be at work at 6am...and I don't got to bed till like 3hours before that.
going to see Jackass 2 tonight with josh...way too excited.
started talking to Sarah again. slowly trying to push Cheyne out of my life.
things are good I guess...at least life feels ok
I have class on the 4th...are things finally moving?
I love my friends, I love how every night I have something to do, I love that I have a guy there who I actually do care about...that I'm willing to work and fight through the bad to get whats good back, I don't really like my job but I like the people I work with. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 13th, 2006|10:47 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | living room | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  tired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | sia - breath | ] |
I quit one of my jobs
josh and I would get into such bad fights I went to the doctor and got put on xanax
which amazingly enough has made us so much better
but is a synthetic love really what I want or need?
I meet this guy Devan, he's beautiful, he smiles at everything, buys me anything that pops into my head
nothing has happened, I won't let it until I have really ended things with josh
I feel so torn and I don't even know why. |
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| this is my life in a song |
[Sep. 5th, 2006|09:02 pm] |
Anything But Down
Sheryl Crow
_____
I light your cigarettes
I bring you apples from the vine
How quickly you forget
I run the bath and pour the wine
I bring you everything that floats into your mind
But you don't bring me anything but down
You don't bring me anything but down
You don't bring me anything but down
When you come 'round
You are a raging sea
I pull myself out everyday
I plea insanity
Cause I can't leave but I can't stay
You say, won't you come find me and yes is what I say
You don't bring me anything but down
You don't bring me anything but down
Everything is crashing to the ground
Maybe I'm not your perfect kind
Maybe I'm not what you had in mind
Maybe we're just killing time
You with your silky words
And your eyes of green and blue
You with your steel beliefs
That don't match anything you do
It was so much easier before you became you
You don't bring me anything but down
You don't bring me anything but down
Everything just crashes to the ground
When you come around
When you come around
No more playing seek and hide
No more long and wasted nights
Can't you make it easy on yourself
I know you wish you were strong
You wish you were never wrong
Well, I got some wishes of my own |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 30th, 2006|06:24 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | work | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | drained | ] |
| [ | music |
| | toadies | ] |
I've noticed a pattern in my lifestyle
I do things, things that are bad for me until they reach that "oh fuck" point. Example with meth things got bad and worse and worse until finally I was like "oh fuck what am I doing" same with herion.
things where bad with josh now they are worse but they haven't reached the oh fuck point yet.
two days ago we where driving down the road and I asked him not to talk to me cause I was upset with him, he put his right hand around my throat and started screaming at me while driving. he raised his other hand and I thought he was going to hit me so I balled up my fist that just made it worse, the car was moving, not fast but I ran out of it across 3 lanes of traffic into a walmart parking lot.
I called cheyne. I wasn't crying I was really calm, just praying he wouldn't pull up cause I knew if he did I would get in the car with him. I told cheyne to hurry, 2minutes before she got there he showed up. I wouldn't get in the car, he had the sweetest voice and biggest smile all that was going through my head was BI-POLAR! Cheyne and him got into it, she pulled a tire iron out on him and I stood between the two of them swinging in the walmart parking lot. cheyne told me not to get into the car, that the person she loved wouldn't get into that car.
I apologized and got in the car. on the ride I listened as he explained himself, saying how he wanted to be there for me, we could be a family and get married. I didn't say anything.
we spent the rest of the day laughing, he made me pizza, we drank. how is it that his face makes me forget everything?
I know people look at me and feel nothing but pity and disgust for me. I feel it too, I'm more than aware of whats going on.
it just so happens that I'm aware and do it anyway.
So things have gone from bad to worse and now I'm just sitting here waiting for the "oh fuck" point. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 26th, 2006|08:13 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | my room | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  uncomfortable | ] |
| [ | music |
| | rooftops | ] |
so that feeling when I can't sleep at night and I can't eat during the day
and my entire body aches from just doing daily activites
and all I can do is call him to hang up the phone
he'll call me back and I can't bring myself to pick up
I find myself holding back tears when I talk about him, like he's lost and forgotten
I had this dream where the rest of our lives where so perfect, I woke up wanting to swallow an entire bottle of tylenol pm or to add to the collection of burns around my ankle.
I feel insane. I don't want him but I'm starting to think I need him.. |
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| finally |
[Aug. 20th, 2006|08:33 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | work | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | relieved | ] |
| [ | music |
| | sia - breath me | ] |
so I went to this party with a bunch of old friends and josh was supposed to go with me, he said he didn't feel well and was just going to hang out at Mike's. I agreed. I didn't want to worry about him anyways.
he ended up spending the night at this whore's house. now I was pissed. he didn't see what was wrong with it. I was talking to one of our mutal friends and he explained to me how the girl was rolling that night. ok so he spent the night at a whore's house who was rolling. next morning he calls me from her phone and she tells me he is going to be with her all day.
ha CUT OFF. thats it, I screamed at him for as long as I could till I figured out I didn't fucking care.
he called today and I acutally picked up the phone and he started yelling at me trying to make himself the victim.
I dropped all his stuff off at a mutal friends and went and took "our/my" fish while he was sleeping then said bye to his parents.
we had a long talk a couple days ago about how he thought I was much cooler when he first meet me, how I didn't care how I looked or acted. and now I do. I realized today I was much cooler before I met him, Josh made me pathetic, I started to dress like a girl and do my hair stuff I really dont' care about. I wore lighter makeup around my eyes besides navy blue and black.
well no more. I'm putting back on my black eyeliner, pulling out my converse, and my jeans that are two sizes too big always fall off my ass and have holes in the crotch, oh yeah and my favorite ripped tees...you know it! |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 17th, 2006|09:46 am] |
my stomach is flipping...i stopped drinking 6hours ago cause i had to get some sleep before going to work
I woke up still drunk...I know this cause I was trying to walk to the bathroom and I ran straight into the wall
last night I went and hung out with some old school friends...I mean we are talking Maddie...old tweaker roommate and Sean guy I went to highschool with...herion addict...dated him a while back...always says or does things that lets me know I never leave his thoughts
and I asked them to get me something to eat/anything at this point...and Sean comes back and hands me a cheeseburger and says "big texas cheeseburger with mustard right?" I started screaming and jumped into his arms cause he remembered my favorite cheeseburger from over 2years ago!
dear lord these cats made me happy last night.
we went through three bottles of rum, I cried from being happy and I cried from being sad. a lot of catching up was done and needed.
Cheyne told them all about me and josh and whats been going on there, when Maddie heard she punched me in the face and lecutured me for over an hour...you know people really love you when they can scream at you
I seeing an old life that I want back...maybe these people that I miss with all my heart are my final wake up call.
I hope so cause I am soo tired of feeling like I'm stuck but won't do anything about it.
these people have never let me be pathetic before. I highly doubt they will accept it now. |
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| help |
[Aug. 15th, 2006|07:48 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | work | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | dogs barking | ] |
here is how the night/day went
we meet up and he took me out for drinks and dinner
we went home and watched a great movie and made jokes the entire time and then drank a beer and went to bed
woke up to him begging me not to go to work
came back from a horrible day at work to him putting on myc cartoons which he hates watching and me taking a nap till I had to go to job number 2
he didnt' comment once about my driving and smiled and held my hand the whole way
I spent the second half of the car ride screaming at him, i slapped him in the face, and punched him a bunch of times. why? because why the hell is he being so nice to me? what the fuck did he do to cause this good behavior or is he only grasping on to what he thought he lost.
god I'm crazy. its like I expect horrible treatment from him so that when he does treat me good I can't accept it. I'm doomed. I'm such a crazy girl its not funny. |
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| be upright |
[Aug. 12th, 2006|10:14 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | living room | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | tired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | choir singing in movie | ] |
I think I'm on my 7th movie in the last two days. I think I have eaten and drank in my entire body weight.
I've slept more than I have in months and yet I'm still tired. I talked to him yesterday...actually I wouldn't call it talking...I would call it him yelling at me and my sitting there fightin back tears.
I hate our talks. because they consist of nonsense...he says things that make no sense due to being up for days and thinking that everyone is against him.
seriously is this love that I am stricken with? obsession maybe? or lust?
what happened to me to cause me to miss someone who is so incredibly awful for me? I spend a day away from him and I can feel my body ache for him like an addict craving...
I want nothing to do with the drugs anymore but I find myself just fighting to talk to him, to listen to him scream at me.
amazing how I know my spirit is being broken yet I willing go back
how do such guys obtain such power? and how do girls let them gain this power...how did this all come about is what I'm wondering...and why I'm just sitting here on my laptop wondering, waiting for a call that won't come until too late and yet I'll still accept the call.
as I sit here waiting wondering when exactly I became so pathetic.
I'm done thinking...I'm guna go zone out on another couple of movies. |
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| look at what I've become |
[Aug. 10th, 2006|09:30 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | layin in bed | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
| [ | music |
| | peeping tom- mojo | ] |
so I shaved my head. if aything besides getting rid of the lice I totally felt like that chick from that scence of empire records. I dunno. I really don't care either. I needed a change anyway.
yesterday was josh's birthday we went out to eat with his family, dear lord I had such a good time, we hadn't done any coke in about 24 hours so I really could enjoy the 8oz steak and family shots they insisted on taking.
we laughed for hours, in the car and in the restraunt...everything felt right.
that night we go over to our dealer's house who is also a close friend of josh's, and he hooks josh up with way too much coke and a bunch of pills. well josh wants to bang an oc. so I cook a couple up for jay and josh and they do them, then I proceed to make one for myself and I do it. josh comes in screaming about how I'm not allowed to do it, screams at everyone there not to give me anything without asking him first. I flipped out. and came back at him with I could do whatever I wanted...blah blah blah. and then it came I got back handed in a room full of all of our closest friends. from my nose being so sore from the constant coke use for the last two months, blood just started pouring down my face. oxy's upset your stomach...so of course from the shock that dinner that his parents just spent so much money on came back up, I spent the next 15minutes puking and when my stomach was empty I started puking up bile and blood that had drained down. while this is happening he's standing over me screaming how I embarassed him, how I ruined his birthday. couple of our friends try to talk to him/get him away from me.
Ive never felt so small in my life, so isolated, so tainted. I seriously felt like I was an untouchable. not in the positive I can rule the world way, in the no one wants to come anywhere near me in fear of getting hurt or getting me hurt.
I finally calm myself down and look in the mirror, my makeup has run everywhere and all the throwing up brought tears to my eyes, I looked like a cancer patient, with the shaved head and all. I felt like one too, if I knew what one felt like that is. I seriously felt like a breeze could have carried me away. I've never been so disgusted with myself in my life, I almost felt like I could look at myself in the eye in the mirror I was so ashamed.
I went and laid down in the bedroom until he was ready to go, I slept in the back of the car on the way and crawled straight in bed when we got home, as him and jay stayed up all night banging coke and zanax, since they can't hit veins on their own I got woken up every hour to do it for them.
I woke up finally and he was being so sweet, I thought maybe last night didnt happen. then I looked in the mirror and realized that it did. I didn't know what to do, so I didn't say a word, which ended with him screaming at me for hours. he wanted me to go apologize to his dealer about my behavior the night before. I refused. making sure to have my head out the window so he couldn't hit me, that didn't stop him from punching my leg in frustration. we got to my parents house and I begged my dad for a couple of bucks, he gave me 40. I knew if I could get some money I could get josh to leave, so I gave him the 40 and he took my car and left, I really don't care if he doesn't come back either.
I think I'm finally done. really no good can come from drugs.
please give me the strength to do what's best for me. cause I've never felt so weak. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 3rd, 2006|09:28 pm] |
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ok ready for this...I have lice...how disgusting is that? I have no idea where I got it from...I'm totally shaving my head the first thing when I get home |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 1st, 2006|06:41 pm] |
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UPdownUPdownUPdownUPdownUPdownUPdownUPdownUPdownUPdownUPdownUPdown... |
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| just how should I feel today? |
[Jul. 26th, 2006|07:10 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | work | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  fuzzy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | nin- everyday is exactly the same | ] |
so we didn't do the date thing. things have been good.
except for the constant coke use. on both our parts. I'm starting to wonder if we can be sober together. I'm starting to wonder if I can be sober period.
he screams at me every monrning, and then calls me in the middle of his shift apologizing. its not him its the coke. but does that make it ok?
I don't mind when he hangs out with these absoulety gorgeous girls, in fact I incourage it. its when he hangs out with the cool chicks that he just wants to be "friends" with that I freak out. I can compete with a pretty face, and I can compete with a cool chick, but can I compete with a cool pretty girl? I'm actually worried about loosing him. how gay.
we stopped using the word love, mostly cause I don't know what love is and I'm pretty sure I don't feel it for him.
my goddaughter will be one year this saturday. I'm stoked about her little party. she's getting so big. sometimes she makes my uterus talk...but then I quickly tell it to shut the fuck up.
ack my roll is kicking in. time to go. |
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| moving forward |
[Jul. 17th, 2006|08:09 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | tired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | none! | ] |
I got accepted into the Animal Cruelty course I applied for. I'm stoked. its in october, I'm going back to college which I know I'll dispise but my dad said he'd pay for an apartment if I went back.
so josh and I are back to looking for an apartment. he's working again which has made him really happy. which makes the two of us get along.
we do nothing but smile at eachother, I wonder how long this is going to last.
we have agreed to sleep with other people, cause we both feel that we are at a point where we can't live without the other but still get sexually attracted to people just not emotionally attracted.
honestly I really do believe this will help. cause there are so many guys I want to sleep with but thinking about a relationship with them makes me sick.
so I have a "date" tonight with this gorgeous guy Rowdy. and he has a date with this little cutie named Corey.
we have rules, hopefully they'll work. if this doesn't make things better then who the hell knows. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 12th, 2006|06:52 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | cramping! | ] |
| [ | music |
| | APC | ] |
But you always find a way
To keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if I chose to walk away would you be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep me right here waiting
--
thats not how I want to feel, but it almost seems if I'm stuck in this horrible cycle.
I went to hang out with you last night and I was drunk when I got there, we chit-chatted about nothing really. I passed out quick.
I spent all day today watching tv downstairs, the only times you came down is to tell me what a bitch I was being for not being upstairs with you.
is this seriously how its going to be?
so I left, and as soon as I do you call me trying to make plans with me and you sound so happy.
what the hell is going on in your head?
and why can't I stay away from you? |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 9th, 2006|02:43 am] |
who knew one conversation could go so badly. things where fine, then one sentence came out of your mouth that led me to silence. I knew right then it was over. you tried to talk to me...I responded but I even gave myself a chill with the coldness of my tone.
all I wanted was an apology. but you're too fucking proud aren't you. I knew I was right which is why I didn't back down tonight like I usually do, but you didn't say a word. I knew it was over when I handed you all your stuff, yet still I stood there in silence expecting you to say something, anything, cause I would have forgotten it all if you only would act like I mattered.
we both had gone back to banging oxycotten(sp?) for the last week, god you were beautiful for those moments, then just like the high my feelings for you wore off. I lied I did love you, a synthetic love, once that needle hit my vein the love I felt for you couldn't be compared to anything I have ever felt, the look you had in your eyes when you looked at me, I seriously was the only thing on the planet with you. and then the anger set in as the pills ran out and the sting of the world set back in. much worse than the pinch of any needle.
now with track marks on my arms again, I find myself staring at the moon wondering how you could let me go so easily.
I'm leaving this/I'm leaving us with less than I entered with. I've lost friends because of you, I've lost money, and time, and a backbone, and once again I have lost hope. |
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